change

I recently keep meditating about “life”. I don’t know why I’m doing it so often but I do it every day almost every time. I thought I am kind of bored in my ‘everyday routine life’. Just wake up at 6:40, eat breakfast at the dormitory cafeteria, listen to boring classes which I often dose off, and get back to the dormitory, studying and sleeping. And those kinds of routines keep going on and on. I’m the kind of person who likes playing, challenging new things, meeting different people, and so on. But my current life can be only expressed by the f-word. Stuck in this school surrounded only by the mountains, meeting the same people every day is not only boring but also suffocates me. As I think about my life in this negative sight, everything around me looks distressing. Every time I woke up and go for morning exercise, I always get irritated and angry, when I eat breakfast I complained about the menu which is absolutely normal and delicious from others’ sight. I hated all the classes and thought all of them were useless and a waste of time. The worst part is studying. I didn’t know why I have to study and often thought of what this is all for. I detested my routine, meal, studying, and so on. This kind of hatred went on for quite a long. While this moment of disliking myself, I can’t focus on my academics, relationships, and also religious life. I lost my way and I couldn’t find it. I tried many things. I played basketball really hard to forget those trivial thoughts, played soccer, chatted with my friends, requesting counseling from teachers and senior alumni but sorry for them, it wasn’t a great help. Every time I struggled with it, I got depressed more than before. Then the signs of the change are beginning to show. Cause the final exam session was just around the corner. I just studied. Focusing completely on my academics for the final exam. The other useless, depressive thoughts had gone away since I actually didn’t have time to think about it. When I took one test on that day, I had three more tests the next day. As I live in reality, I literally have no time for being delusional and depressive. When the final exam season was over, I found myself changed. I started to like myself not very much but more than before. While the final exam season, I worked hard, and go beyond my limits and I had the courage about being myself. Back then when I hated myself, I was embarrassed and undermined myself very often. However, I had courage and self-esteem.

I guess all students don’t like exams, tests, and grading things. The test itself is a massive stress to students. And I was one of those students who get stressed by tests and hate them awfully. But my thought changed through this experience. I was thankful to the ‘final exam season’ for finding back the normal me. It doesn’t mean I like taking tests. The process was way harsher than I thought. I had to focus tight and slept less than normal. But the most difficult thing was to get over myself who wants to rest, watch youtube and chat with friends, etc. But I have done it eventually, and I was proud of myself who overcame all the difficulties. From this episode, I felt with my own bodies that something which I hate usually can change my life. Besides, this experience gave me a message that when people fell into idleness and laziness, an important goal and task in front of them can change them. Though the task is tough and stressful.